me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
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I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.