[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
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“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)