*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
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I created you as mosquito food.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!