[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
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The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I hope it’s French Onion!
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.