If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.