aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
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It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils