Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
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when mom throws a party…
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*