If snakes were wide
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ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.