INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
You Might Also Like
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*