Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
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My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time