Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
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ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.