Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
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Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
He is just living hist best little life 😊
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?