Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
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relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.