In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
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“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
damn he’s good
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Bringing home a sharpie
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart