Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
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I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Oh my god
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall