Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
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ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.