I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
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birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*