A cabbage a day keeps people away.
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What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.