If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
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“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
gm
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
But that’s none of my business
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?