I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
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Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.