This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
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we’re dead?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.