No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
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I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.