sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
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“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.