Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
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Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
OH. COME. ON.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Perfect.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”