Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
You Might Also Like
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Yes
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?