Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
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1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.