My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
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I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
6: are snakes just neck?
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.