[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
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I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.