Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
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My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Fries, not lies.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too