Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
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ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
*skinny dips into black hole
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.