According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
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ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple