My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
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it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.