I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
You Might Also Like
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Goat cheese is for herders.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon