Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
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When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
January has been Januweary
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”