Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four