Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
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My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁