British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
You Might Also Like
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours