[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
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Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.