[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
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Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks