Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
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One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Good morning!
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am