“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
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Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
This is a whole mood;
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem