“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
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My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
awkward
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”