I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
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Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.