1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
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How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Two types of dogs.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Eat…
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.