In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
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Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.