Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
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I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂