whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
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Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Breaking news:
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
New comic up. “Ransom”
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.