chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
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Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Well well well…
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Can’t. Being lazy.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’