uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
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*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
March 16
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
My love language is hissing.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere