I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
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It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes